


Because of you

by WingWeever



Series: Breaking the kekkai [1]
Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2644253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingWeever/pseuds/WingWeever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a prequel to Your not Alone and talks about Fai's past with Ashura, it is just a short POV at the end of TRC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because of you

I was there a long time you know. A long time, though time no longer had meaning when days and nights melt together…hours are nothing, and days without food and shelter feel like months. When he came to me, I know you must have known now, but then I thought it was just a coincidence…but nothing ever is now is it? No…no I know now that you worked for him. But even now nothing in my heart changes, and I think even after all this time I still feel a little sadness. I suppose I am writing this because one day I do not want to forget…for I have learned now that memories are so fragile…and I couldn’t bear to forget you.   
Either way…it was cold now there…I think you should know that though, everything in Celes is cold. I remember when I first saw you, you reminded me of a snow goddess in the histories of our world (though I have come to learn she is also of a certain warriors world as well). I remember the way you seemed so cold and warm and all I wanted to do was wrap up into you and fall asleep. I didn’t of course…I couldn’t move until you motioned for me, and even then I was to shocked. I learned later that you were even kinder than I first thought.  
I remember the first night at the castle again….how long had it been since I slept in that same bed in that same room? Eight years? No…you told me once that it was only a few years, but it still felt like an eternity. I don’t know why, but I was never afraid of you…I never doubted you or feared you…though sometime is wonder if the love you gave me was sincere, but I crush the thought instantly. After everything I couldn’t bear the thought.   
I remember the first night you told me you loved me. I didn’t know what to do, I just looked at you. I had never smiled, and my heart was so confused tot his word. Love is not something I had never felt. I remember the look on your face, you seemed a little hurt when I said nothing back to you, but you smiled none the less and hugged me. You hug seemed strange then, and now I know the truth behind it…your love wasn’t what I thought of it then. You told me it, every night as you tucked me in, that you loved me. Eventually I learned to smile for you. I think that made you happy.   
I grew up fast, in body and mind. And that night when you first touched me I remember how I hurt you. That night when you kneeled down after telling me you love me and your lips touched mine…I ran. I didn’t understand the way you made my heart flutter or the way my breath hitched… I didn’t know that when I left you there sitting on my bed that it was the first time you ever cried. You never told me, and we never talked about it. I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to know, I learned from a maid who saw the redness in your eyes that night, as you left my room. But I didn’t return for long enough for you to look for me. Do you remember where you found me? I wish now that I could see that place one more time, that forest of the dead trees, around the mirrored lake. You knew I found this place beautiful, I think you did too. I don’t remember hearing your footsteps under the tree I had decided to rest in, but there you stood silently beneath me. After some time of feeling your presence I slipped down behind you. You never turned, you waited until I was ready, but my heart was never ready for what you told me. I remember the words as if you just spoke them to me.  
“I love you. Now just in the way that I think you believed all these years…but a true love. You never have to return it…I just wish for you to know.”  
I never let you finish. Even though I could not see your face I know you were surprised. I held you from behind for the longest time, until I thought that time had truly stopped and left me in this moment. And when I finally let go you turned to me. Your eyes held a sadness that at the time I did not understand, I do now. Your hand was soft on my cheek and I remember it was warmer that I thought it would be, but then again you always seemed to surprise me. I remember that I started what you left off, and I felt your lips again. You pulled back a little at first, but you quickly wrapped me in your coat and continued. You must have seen me shivering. It was so warm there, with your coat and arms around me, and it surprised me a little that even in the frozen world that we lived in there was so much warmth. You didn’t go to fast and after a few moments you broke the kiss and we went back to the castle.   
I think this was the beginning of our downfall. Do you think if we had not loved like we had that the last moment we had would have hurt less? Maybe I would have killed you myself and broken my own curse. That isn’t how it happened though and I will not change what has happened even if I had the chance. I couldn’t lose the knowledge of that feeling…I need it to much now.  
But that kiss was not as far as it went now was it? No…not even close. The kisses lasted awhile, I know that you wanted to take your time with me. But I remember that first time you came to me, and asked if you could touch me. I didn’t understand at first, because I never strayed from your hand…but I knew what you meant by the look in your eyes. I didn’t move, but then again neither did you…you waited until I told you it was ok. But I think even then you knew I would.   
I never felt anything like what you did before. You moved slowly and explored thoroughly, and I remember when we finally closed our eyes to sleep the first ray of morning shone through the window. You were my first, and as of now you were my only. I don’t think I can let another touch me without letting go of your memory…I don’t think I am ready for that just yet. One day, I may be…but not today. I think you know that, wherever you may be. Are you happy at how things turned out?  
Were you happy when I ran? Did you dream of me? Sometimes I wonder what you dreamt of when I put you in that water…were you sad when you saw I was not by your side when you woke? Part of me was sad that things turned to be the way they were…so much of me wished I could go back to that first night and stop myself from loving you…but I don’t think that would be the right thing to do. I think you knew that to, that I loved you until the end. But part of me thinks that you saw the truth as well.   
When you asked me to grant your wish do you realize how you tore my heart? You loved me, and yet you asked the most difficult thing of all, did you think I would be able to take your life the way I took my brothers? Even in your eyes though, I could tell you were happy when you died, even if it was not by my hand…  
Did you see what I think you did in that dream of yours dreamseer? I think that may be why you were happy…to see that one day that dream will come true if you were gone…it makes him happy too I think. Then I suppose this is my goodbye, even though it pains me to write it. I love you Ashura…I always will somewhere in my heart, and I think wherever you are you know that. And I think you know that he is here to help make me happy too, maybe that is why you smiled. I guess I will ask you on the other side, when it is my time. Goodbye.   
Love forever yours,  
Fai D Fluorite


End file.
